Leveraging Strengths in Marriage
By Steve Gahagen
A few years ago, I met with a couple who were ready to call it quits. I didn’t know them well, and the husband made it clear—he wasn’t thrilled to be meeting with me to talk about their marriage.
As they began to share their story, their issues were many, and the emotion—especially anger—ran deep. I realized quickly that I wasn’t going to solve all their problems in a few sessions. So I decided to take a different approach: we talked about their strengths.
They both took the CliftonStrengths assessment, and over the next few weeks, we unpacked their results. What emerged was powerful. Their strengths were polar opposites, which had been a major source of frustration. But now, those same differences began to look like potential assets. Instead of competing, they started to see how they could complement each other. As far as I know, they’re still together—and doing well.
That experience mirrored my own story.
My wife, Jane, is one of those steady, dependable people you can count on. Her Top 5 Strengths include Harmony, Discipline, Consistency, and Responsibility. I share Responsibility with her, which means we make a good team when it comes to follow-through and perseverance. We have a long-distance runner mindset—we don’t quit easily.
But in other ways, we’re very different. My strengths include Ideation, Strategic, and Futuristic. I live in the world of ideas. Jane likes the same path; I’m constantly dreaming up new ones. That dynamic has the potential for conflict—but it also creates an opportunity to be a powerful team.
Jane keeps me grounded. I’d like to think I bring a life-giving freshness and energy to her world.
One of my favorite stories that captures this tension-turned-strength came on our anniversary. Jane had the choice between a trip to the Mall of America or kayak fishing. It was a cloudy, misty day. She chose five hours of kayaking and fishing.
That may not sound significant—but ten years ago, it wouldn’t have even been an option.
Jane has always loved the outdoors, and in my futuristic mind, I knew she’d love kayaking. But for years she resisted. She hated the idea. Eventually, after much persistence, she gave it a try. Now? It’s her go-to for recreation.
That’s the power of understanding one another’s strengths. It helps you see not just where you’re different—but how those differences can become your biggest advantage.
In marriage, as in life, your strengths can either divide you or make you a great team. The choice is ours.
Questions to consider
When you look at your strengths as a couple, how are you different and how are you the same?
How do your strengths create potential for conflict? Can you think of examples where you had conflicts connected to your differing strengths?
How can you leverage your strengths to be a great team that continues to grow in your love for one another? What value do you bring to each other?